Hi. I’ve been around for quite a while but haven’t had the opportunity to actually post anything here myself. I’ve been trying to keep me from being noticed but when things get really hectic or stressful or disappointing, then I just can’t stop from showing up to practically ruin it all.
Oh dear. I see you looking at what I’m writing and you’ve got that weird look on your face. It’s the same look that my family gives me when they can’t figure out what’s going on or when they think I’m just trying to hide something. Usually I am trying to hide something — myself. I don’t like me being here and I don’t like it when I come around just out of the blue.
I guess I should explain. If you’re a long-time follower of this blog, you already know that I have bi-polar disorder (along with some other absolutely fascinating issues that can cause havoc at any moment). Now, for those who don’t understand bi-polar disorder, it was originally called manic-depressive disorder. This is when your brain — or, rather, my brain — decides that it wants to do something different for a while without my consent. I can either become extraordinarily hyperactive, hyper-vigilant, hyper-emotional. Just pick a “hyper” and it’s on the list. This is my manic phase. This is when Manic appears and keeps me from sleeping for long periods of time (days) or has me obsessing over certain things that need to be done and I can’t stop doing them or I end up listening to the rest of the voices up in my head arguing because they’ve decided that since adrenaline, their favorite drink, is on-tap that they’re going to join in the fun.
Manic and I get along well at times but we do have problems when Manic gets OCD a little over-excited instead of its usual state. Then I can be in big trouble.
But today, I’m here. Well, I am always here but the specific “I” that is writing here is Depressive. I am the one that can take any happy moment from extremely ecstatic to morbidly horrifying in seconds. I have the ability to just wander up while I’m hearing good news and start whispering all the things that are either untrue (whether they are or not) about it or about how everything from that moment on will go horribly wrong. And I don’t shut-up easily, either. I’ve been around for ages and I’ve learned all of my defense mechanisms against me. Even the medications are having problems with me now.
My favorite one was when I was ordered to a psychology group for manic-depressive people and the class leaders said, “If you just think that you’re happy, you’ll be happy.” They repeated that a lot. I raised my hand and asked them how that could be possible especially when I was incredibly suicidal? Was I supposed to be happy about being suicidal or was I supposed to picture rainbows and kittens and cotton candy and hope that the suicidal bit would pass?
They kicked me out of the class. Seriously.
For a while I’ve been puttering around here reading what’s being written and critiquing things. It’s one of the things I do. I also keep bad things at the forefront of my mind. The whole ERO issue, for example. Today I got my paperwork that the informal stage is over and I can now file for a formal hearing. However, I keep reminding myself that I (1) only have 14 more days left to do that, (2) that I have no idea how the whole process works, (3) that I could really use a good attorney to help me, (4) that I’ve been referred to a really good attorney who wants to help me, but (5) the attorney costs $300 per hour that I don’t have and that leaves me sitting and staring at the paperwork and going back to #1. And then I start it all over again. See how much fun I am?
I’ve seen celebrities who have bi-polar talk about their different extremes with cute little names for them. I don’t do that. I am a part of me that is the whole me and nothing but the me. Remember, even the voices are mine. There are just too many of them at times to not give them their own grouping.
Well, that’s enough about me for now. I have a prior engagement (I think) with PTSD. We hang out together a lot. Of course, I’m glad that I have Celeste who helps me keep myself from overly freaking-out when I get this way. I’ll probably be around for quite a while longer because there’s so much going on that I have to get involved with and I’ve not seen my therapist for almost three weeks so the environment is just how I like it. Moody, sad, stressed, and down.
And thanks in advance to anyone who types anything positive about what I’ve written about myself. But I’m going to be completely honest with you — it’s not going to matter for a while. When I’m here and this far out in front of myself, it takes a lot longer to get me back with the rest of the crowd. And I don’t mean to be snappy or make anyone think I’m ignoring them. I just enjoy screwing with my emotions enough so that I don’t want to do anything. Well, sleep is always fun. But I only do that when I don’t need to be doing it. Like when the medication makes me do it. Or if there’s a ton of things I need to get done and I fall-over on the couch or the bed and doze for, oh, say, three or four hours. Tonight I’m going to try to make myself get some sleep because I’m really tired just from being me today. It won’t work the way I want it to, but I’ll still try.
And….*sigh*….Husband and Youngest Son keep coming in to check and see what I’m doing (occasionally led by Celeste who knows something’s wrong). It irritates me because while I appreciate their worry about me very, very much I also don’t like it because they have their own things to worry about and I don’t need to be getting in the way. Plus I don’t like people trying to read over my shoulder when I’m writing or reading something out-loud. And that’s not “Depressive” saying that — that’s just me. So I’ll go for now, but we’ll meet again. Don’t know where; don’t know when.