Me, Myself, and the Voices in My Head

A place to ramble and maybe make some sense about a thing or two.

Archive for the tag “youngest son”

Just tired of it all….

No, I haven’t been posting the past few days.  Even my therapist got upset at me because I’ve not been writing.

When you’re in a funk, you can’t write.  You can’t do anything but sit and spin your wheels which just causes more frustration over how you’re not going anywhere in your life.

I can end up waiting up to six months for someone to do something about my ERO/EEOC claim because that’s the law.  Even though I now can’t work doing the job I had because some idiot decided he wanted to make the rules instead of following the law, I have to wait for the legal process to take its course.

I’ve applied for so many jobs in the local area I’ve completely lost count.  And have I heard anything back?  Nope.  Or when I go somewhere thinking I might like to apply and I can already see in their faces the fact that they’re not thrilled over my 86-pound constant companion, I don’t bother.  Besides, I’d rather have her with me everyday than the crap that can happen at most places.

Got news about a family member who’s going through some tough times.  I want to be able to help and give support but I also don’t want to be intrusive.  I remember when I was in a somewhat similar situation and the last thing I wanted was pity from anyone and I usually got a lot of unsolicited advice that didn’t do me much good.  I don’t want to be one of those kinds of people.

One of my friends was to get married tomorrow and her fiancé left her today.  She and her young daughter who had opened their home and lives to him and his excuse is because his biological son is afraid of having to make new friends when he moves.  What a jerk.

I’m trying to help celebrate Youngest Son’s upcoming birthday.  I went to the movies with Husband, Youngest Son, and four of his friends.  They had a great time and I was really glad they could go.  I just feel like I wish we could have done more.

Husband and Youngest Son are currently in the basement doing laundry and playing a computer game.  I sincerely appreciate that they’re doing the laundry because that means I don’t have to do it and I don’t have to go outside to get to the basement.  It’s not a “finished” basement like many people have.  It has a floor and walls, but there’s no way to access it from inside the house.  And with the heat the way it is, I’m not in the mood to go outside much.

And, yes, Depressive is trying to get me to post but I’m so sick and tired of being sick and tired that it’s just been easier to do nothing and sleep instead of trying to come up with something to write and crying while I feel awful.

Maybe I’ll get back on a schedule.  Maybe I’ll stop writing completely.  I’ve already told my therapist that I’m not writing anymore at the moment about my past because I’m getting to big areas that I don’t really remember.  There are a lot of blank spaces in my memory — some last days, some last years — and whatever is hidden inside them I do not want to bring back to the surface.  It wouldn’t be healing; it would be reopening the wounds that my brain has found a way to deal with that doesn’t cause me any additional damage.  I remember trying to deal with them and it didn’t work then.  Time does not heal all wounds.

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Boycotted yesterday and might not post today

Oh….well….yeah….  That is a sort of stupid title since I do have to post something so people can see it.

Doesn’t matter.  I spent yesterday which, which was Fathers’ Day here in America, with Husband and Youngest Son and didn’t feel the need to post.  Plus, my biological father is a complete and total waste of air that could be used for something productive.  Like horrible balloon-animal thingys that clowns make.  He’s refused to acknowledge that I exist in over 20 years so *pppbbhhhtt* on him!

And today is a slow day at best.  I’m not complaining.  I could use a nice slow day to be able to relax and think about things that have been and will be happening.  Plus, I’m making sure that Youngest Son is completing his chores and assignments as expected.  In the past I was always deployed away from home in the summer and he could get away with not doing things because by the time Husband got home from work he’d be too tired to notice something skipped.  Youngest Son and I have had a little talk about needing to mature and learning to do things around the house that will help him when he’s out on his own in the future.

I might post again tonight and I might not.  The voices are arguing over who should write, about what should be written, and whether it’s worth writing anything at all now.  I have to remind them that this whole thing was their idea so they can’t jump-ship on me now.  Only six months to go with this project and now they realize it’s not as easy as I told them it would be.

And now if you’ll excuse me….  I have to dislodge the family cat from the only air duct in the room and she’s hogging all of the cool air conditioning.  It’s hard to write when you’re wiping sweat (and cat fur) out of your eyes.

Bloaty ate too much pizza….

I know.  It’s my own fault.  Was planning to cook dinner for the family tonight.  But, a tempting email came through the inbox and I just couldn’t help myself.

Domino’s Pizza offering 50% off any pizza if you order online now through Sunday night.

I remember when Domino’s Pizza was called the “Disk of Death” and other not-too-polite names.  Domino’s was awful.  Didn’t matter which one you ordered from — you were guaranteed a round thing resembling a crust with something on the top that you hoped was what you actually ordered, covered in a slime of cheese and floating on what grease hadn’t already soaked through the bottom of the box.

Now, however, they’ve gotten a lot better.  And healthier, if you can consider pizza healthy.

So, each of us decided to order a pizza since they were so cheap.  Youngest Son got a pepperoni abomination of some sort that could clog your arteries just by looking at the amount of meat and grease on it.  Husband made up a pizza he would like to have because nothing on the menu ever totally agrees with his middle-age tummy anymore.  And I ordered a Hawaiian pizza because I love ham and pineapple together.  We each made sure to get the super-thin crust pizzas so we wouldn’t feel nauseated for the next few days.  And by each ordering to our own tastes, we could ensure that we got what we wanted.  We each got enough of what we wanted and if there was any leftover it could be stored in the refrigerator for lunch tomorrow.

Yeah….right….

Only Youngest Son, who normally scarfs down anything not nailed to the table, didn’t finish his.  Husband and I both ate ourselves silly and soon realized we had none left for tomorrow.  It was good, though.  We both were very pleased with our selections and they were well-made and tasted excellent.

It’s just now, about five hours after eating it that the bloaty-ness sinks in….or out….or whatever it does.  It’s hot and humid outside and having not listened to my brain when it was trying to tell me that my stomach might actually have a message for me other than “Aren’t you going to eat the rest of that?” is the result I’m suffering now.  I don’t want to see another pizza for a while.  I don’t even want to look at the boxes ours came in tonight.  They’re like little talismans of shame to remind us of our sins.

I think I’ll have some milk and go to bed.  Maybe I’ll wake up and it’s all a bad dream.  Or, more likely, I’ll have pizza-dreams all night (the really weird ones about which every therapist hopes to sell a best-selling book) and wake up even hungrier than usual in the morning.

“Dallas” is still dull as dishwater….

Oh, the 1980s.  When not everyone could have cable television and even if you did, you didn’t have 800+ channels of crap from which to choose your evening’s entertainment.  Back then, people actually made plans around their favorite television shows.  Well, unless they were wealthy enough to own a VHS or BETA video recording machine to record a show for them, commercials and all.  No DVRs.  No commercial skips.  Watch it when it airs or wait until rerun season and hope the episode you missed is there.

I had to explain all of that to Youngest Son tonight as Husband sat on the couch (and for over an hour did NOT fall asleep!) and watched the new series of Dallas on TNT.  He was a big fan of the show back in the 1980s and wanted to see how stupid….I mean….good the modernized show would be.  Of course, when you get the old actors on there playing their old roles, you can’t help but remember what the show used to be and wonder if they can actually get it to be that good (or bad) again.

Now, I didn’t watch Dallas when it was on in the 1980s.  The only episodes I ever watched were when J.R. was shot (because, who didn’t watch that one?) and the one when Southfork burned.  That episode I was somewhat sort-of forced to watch because I was at a sleepover at a friend’s house and all of the other girls loved Dallas but I had no idea who anyone was other than J.R. and Bobby.  Oh, and I did see the episode when Bobby comes back in the shower — but that was a rerun many, many years after it originally aired.

So, I’m watching the show with Husband and it’s as goofy as ever.  Youngest Son asked, “Is this a male soap opera?”

Yes, Son.  Yes it is.

Nighttime soap operas like Dallas, Dynasty, and Falcon Crest were heavily watched by women but they were designed to get the men-folk into the sittin’ room to watch as well.  They weren’t as silly as the daytime soaps, but you still knew that every scene had to have someone looking off into the distance as if they’re thinking, “Did that cat pee in the litterbox?” (it’s an acting trick) while the camera either gets closer or pulls back before the scene changes.  Or before a commercial came on.  Or before another ad for the same show you were watching came on to preview the next week’s episode.  As if you’d miss it….

So, yeah, I’m not particularly thrilled with the new version of the old show.  I liked how they tried to keep the intro credits the same with the music and scenes of Dallas (Texas).  But, a neat intro does not a great show make.  I might give it a few more episodes before I totally write it off as a bad job.  Seeing Larry Hagman and Patrick Duffy talking about what Miss Ellie did or didn’t want with her will is still interesting.  Goofy, but interesting.

Almost missed today

Got up at 5 a.m. to take my medication as usual.  Felt really sleepy and did doze for a few moments on the loveseat.  Made the decision to go back to bed after Husband and Youngest Son had gotten up and started preparing to go out to yard sales and a big storage unit auction.

Slept until noon.  Not incredibly unusual when I’m not feeling well and didn’t go to bed on time the night before.  Stayed up late with Husband watching silly movies and talking.  It was worth it.

Ate a little lunch and was convinced by Husband and Youngest Son to go back to bed because I was feeling tired.  Did so and said I’d sleep for about an hour.

It’s now 6:30 p.m. and I’m finally awake.  What the hell happened to me?  I don’t feel outrageously ill.  A little warm but that could just be my own personal global warming at work, too.

Glad I woke myself up ’cause the other two would have let me keep sleeping.  I know they mean well but if I sleep too much in the daytime I can’t sleep during the night and then I get my days and nights mixed up, just like a baby can.  And it happens too easily because of my medication, too.  I don’t need that right now.

So, I hope nothing really earth-shattering happened today because I completely missed it.  And my brain and eyes are already telling me I should be back in bed.

*Yawn*  Maybe tomorrow’s post will be worth reading….

Greetings from Depressive

Hi.  I’ve been around for quite a while but haven’t had the opportunity to actually post anything here myself.  I’ve been trying to keep me from being noticed but when things get really hectic or stressful or disappointing, then I just can’t stop from showing up to practically ruin it all.

Oh dear.  I see you looking at what I’m writing and you’ve got that weird look on your face.  It’s the same look that my family gives me when they can’t figure out what’s going on or when they think I’m just trying to hide something.  Usually I am trying to hide something — myself.  I don’t like me being here and I don’t like it when I come around just out of the blue.

I guess I should explain.  If you’re a long-time follower of this blog, you already know that I have bi-polar disorder (along with some other absolutely fascinating issues that can cause havoc at any moment).  Now, for those who don’t understand bi-polar disorder, it was originally called manic-depressive disorder.  This is when your brain — or, rather, my brain — decides that it wants to do something different for a while without my consent.  I can either become extraordinarily hyperactive, hyper-vigilant, hyper-emotional.  Just pick a “hyper” and it’s on the list.  This is my manic phase.  This is when Manic appears and keeps me from sleeping for long periods of time (days) or has me obsessing over certain things that need to be done and I can’t stop doing them or I end up listening to the rest of the voices up in my head arguing because they’ve decided that since adrenaline, their favorite drink, is on-tap that they’re going to join in the fun.

Manic and I get along well at times but we do have problems when Manic gets OCD a little over-excited instead of its usual state.  Then I can be in big trouble.

But today, I’m here.  Well, I am always here but the specific “I” that is writing here is Depressive.  I am the one that can take any happy moment from extremely ecstatic to morbidly horrifying in seconds.  I have the ability to just wander up while I’m hearing good news and start whispering all the things that are either untrue (whether they are or not) about it or about how everything from that moment on will go horribly wrong.  And I don’t shut-up easily, either.  I’ve been around for ages and I’ve learned all of my defense mechanisms against me.  Even the medications are having problems with me now.

My favorite one was when I was ordered to a psychology group for manic-depressive people and the class leaders said, “If you just think that you’re happy, you’ll be happy.”  They repeated that a lot.  I raised my hand and asked them how that could be possible especially when I was incredibly suicidal?  Was I supposed to be happy about being suicidal or was I supposed to picture rainbows and kittens and cotton candy and hope that the suicidal bit would pass?

They kicked me out of the class.  Seriously.

For a while I’ve been puttering around here reading what’s being written and critiquing things.  It’s one of the things I do.  I also keep bad things at the forefront of my mind.  The whole ERO issue, for example.  Today I got my paperwork that the informal stage is over and I can now file for a formal hearing.  However, I keep reminding myself that I (1) only have 14 more days left to do that, (2) that I have no idea how the whole process works, (3) that I could really use a good attorney to help me, (4) that I’ve been referred to a really good attorney who wants to help me, but (5) the attorney costs $300 per hour that I don’t have and that leaves me sitting and staring at the paperwork and going back to #1.  And then I start it all over again.  See how much fun I am?

I’ve seen celebrities who have bi-polar talk about their different extremes with cute little names for them.  I don’t do that.  I am a part of me that is the whole me and nothing but the me.  Remember, even the voices are mine.  There are just too many of them at times to not give them their own grouping.

Well, that’s enough about me for now.  I have a prior engagement (I think) with PTSD.  We hang out together a lot.  Of course, I’m glad that I have Celeste who helps me keep myself from overly freaking-out when I get this way.  I’ll probably be around for quite a while longer because there’s so much going on that I have to get involved with and I’ve not seen my therapist for almost three weeks so the environment is just how I like it.  Moody, sad, stressed, and down.

And thanks in advance to anyone who types anything positive about what I’ve written about myself.  But I’m going to be completely honest with you — it’s not going to matter for a while.  When I’m here and this far out in front of myself, it takes a lot longer to get me back with the rest of the crowd.  And I don’t mean to be snappy or make anyone think I’m ignoring them.  I just enjoy screwing with my emotions enough so that I don’t want to do anything.  Well, sleep is always fun.  But I only do that when I don’t need to be doing it.  Like when the medication makes me do it.  Or if there’s a ton of things I need to get done and I fall-over on the couch or the bed and doze for, oh, say, three or four hours.  Tonight I’m going to try to make myself get some sleep because I’m really tired just from being me today.  It won’t work the way I want it to, but I’ll still try.

And….*sigh*….Husband and Youngest Son keep coming in to check and see what I’m doing (occasionally led by Celeste who knows something’s wrong).  It irritates me because while I appreciate their worry about me very, very much I also don’t like it because they have their own things to worry about and I don’t need to be getting in the way.  Plus I don’t like people trying to read over my shoulder when I’m writing or reading something out-loud.  And that’s not “Depressive” saying that — that’s just me.  So I’ll go for now, but we’ll meet again.  Don’t know where; don’t know when.

7 Ps Rule needs to include “Patience”

You know the 7 Ps Rule, right?  If you were in the military, I’m fairly certain that you’ve heard it multiple times.  If you teach school, you most likely had to memorize it during your Master’s degree classes (except they usually did the 6 Ps to omit the one “questionable” word).  And if you ever need to remember how to prepare for something, it’s one of the best rules to keep in mind.

Proper Prior Planning Prevents Piss-Poor Performance.

Yes, I know there are many different variants on this mnemonic device.  But, this is the one I learned first both from sitting through graduate-level courses when my parents were getting their Master’s/Specialist’s in Education degrees and by having military members in my family.  Over the years, it’s served me well.

However, today Youngest Son needs to add the word “Patience.”  More grammatically correct, it should be “Patient” as in “Patient Proper Planning Prevents Poor Performance” (deleted the objectionable word since he’s still not allowed to swear).  In a few weeks he’ll be celebrating his birthday and we’ve agreed to allow him to invite over his closest friends for a pizza party and then for them to go to the movies that evening.  The female guests will have to be picked up by their parents after the movie while the male guests can come to our house for a sleepover.  He’s been texting all of his friends today and bugging me for specific details, such as start time, menu, etc.

He’s forgotten that his father and I have not finalized any plans.  He’s also forgotten that he’s still grounded at the moment and if he doesn’t earn his privileges back in time there won’t be a birthday party.  His friends are all trying to arrange their schedules and make suggestions for things to do and ingredients for the pizzas but we don’t have anything confirmed at the moment.  Big shock for him and his buddies if it’s all for nothing!

I admire his desire to be sure to plan early enough in advance so that all of his friends have the opportunity to check with their parents/families to ensure if they’d be able to attend.  I’m just not happy that he’s getting their expectations up for something that may or may not happen.  Plus, the parents also won’t be very happy if they change their schedules around to accommodate something that isn’t happening.

Oh well.  Not much I can do about it at the moment.  I told him to be sure to let everyone know that nothing has been confirmed yet and that he’s just checking to see if they would be able to attend.  That way, we can also plan for how much food and how many tickets we’ll need to buy.

We’ll see what happens.

Feeling down and inadequate….

It’s my pity-party and I’ll whine if I want.

Youngest Son announced that he just heard one of his best friends is traveling to London (UK) for an international choir event.  I’m proud of his friend and am happy for his family who will also be able to travel with him.  I was in London in 1994 during college and loved it.  I really, really want to go there again.

And every year when I’ve been working and paying-off bills, I’ve been trying to save the money so that I can take my family there.  Or, if not able to take everyone, at least take Husband with me because it was while I was there when I realized how much in love with him I was (and still am) and I want to share with him the places I went and where I missed him so much.  But usually I’d work myself silly and end up sick in the hospital or so sick I’d have to leave and then all the medical bills needed to be paid.  Now that my former employer has taken my career away from me and people aren’t very thrilled about hiring someone who has an 85-pound dog in constant tow, I don’t know when I’ll ever get to take them.

Youngest Son hasn’t said that he’s jealous of his friend, but I know that he’s disappointed because I still can’t take him there.  I’ve been saying for years that I want him to experience another country and all of the history that can be found.  And Eldest Son has wanted to go to London for a long time as well since his biological father and step-mother traveled there but didn’t take him.  I’ve felt like I should make that up to him.  Maybe I’m irrational about it.  But I’d still like to give my kids and husband an experience they will remember forever and am just feeling awful that I’ve worked over the past eight years to do that and still haven’t been able.

Going to go watch a musical on television.  Maybe I’ll feel better.  Maybe not.  Just don’t be surprised if I’m still pouting for a little while.

A nice, uneventful day

Today I’m very thankful for a day without too much happening.  It’s been very stressful since this time last week and I’d like for the stress to remain at bay.

Of course, I have my appointment with my therapist tomorrow, so we’ll have to see how that goes.  And I’ve got more questions to answer in regards to my ERO case that I’ve filed.

Hopefully Youngest Son will have learned a little something over the past week so that I can maybe give him a privilege back.  Never give it all back at once.  I make my kids earn them since they’re the one who did something stupid enough to lose it.

So, off early to bed tonight.  If we get thunderstorms again like last night, I just hope they don’t wake me up again.  It was nice to know that it rained last night but I could have waited until the morning to see the wet ground and been just as happy.

Accepting suggestions on “training” a teenager!

Again!  I can’t believe I have to go through this crap again!  The kid is 13 years freakin’ old — how much longer will it last???

I had to go to an appointment today.  Usually I can trust Youngest Son to be on his best behavior (or something like it) while I’m out for a little while.  I come back and what do I find?  I find one of the premiere rules of the house broken and him lying to me about it.

We have a very strict rule about the computer.  Because of the questionable content out there and the threat of viruses, worms, and Trojans, we do not allow our children to access the computer unless we’re with them or we give them a five-minute window to check email or Facebook.  We did it that way with Eldest Son and we’re doing it that way with Youngest Son.  Even though he has a computer in his room, there is no Internet access to it (not even Wi-Fi) and he’s not allowed to turn it on without our permission.  I have a special key that allows Internet to be connected if he needs to work on a homework assignment but either Husband or me is in the room with him while he’s online.  Usually, though, he wants to use our main household computer (from which I also run my online business) because it’s newer, faster, and has more programs.  Again, though, he must be supervised while using it.

I was gone for an hour and came back to find that not only had he been on the computer when I was gone and without permission, he’d also accessed the Internet and even looked into the history folder for our web browser.  That threw up red flags all over the place because he could have been to a site we don’t allow and deleted the information.  So, I asked him what happened while I was gone.

Nothing.  He gave me the standard teenager shrug of the shoulders and a monotone “I don’t know” as an answer.  I started listing the items he has privileges to use and/or owns and which ones he would be losing as he continued to feign an inability to recall anything he may or may not have done over the hour that I was away from home.  Finally he said he looked at the history to see if we had bought him a birthday present online.

He must think I have “stupid” written on my face because I don’t believe that for a moment.  And I told him that as well.  His birthday is over a month away and I certainly wouldn’t purchase anything this far in advance, mostly because I never know when he’s going to pull a stunt like this and end up grounded again.

A couple of years ago he took something of mine and lied about it.  I could prove that he did it and even showed him the evidence.  He continued to lie and for over half and hour he lied and lied until he realized that he was just digging himself a deeper hole of punishments.  And every time he continued to lie or did something else against the rules, we just added the time for that infraction onto what he’d already earned.  The kid was grounded for about six months!  You’d think he’d have figured it out by now that we, his parents, are much smarter than he is and will find out when he does something wrong (especially since he’s not good at covering his tracks) and that just admitting to what he did and apologizing would get him in far less trouble than lying about it.

I don’t know what to do.  Seriously.  This keeps happening over and over and over and I’m sick to death of it.  Right now his “privileges” are to eat, sleep, use the bathroom, do his household and yard chores, and practice his trumpet.  He can read while he’s in his room (he’s got LOTS of books on many subjects).  But there will be no television, video games, computer, MP3, cell phone, telephone, texting, or going out unless it’s to walk the dog or we’re all going somewhere together.

This is my first summer home in years.  Usually I’m deployed away to work a disaster and I’ve missed being able to just spend free time with him.  No schedules; no worries about work or him having to go to school.  He’s only been out of school three days and he can’t keep it together!  I really worry about him in the future.

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