Me, Myself, and the Voices in My Head

A place to ramble and maybe make some sense about a thing or two.

Archive for the tag “tired”

Just tired of it all….

No, I haven’t been posting the past few days.  Even my therapist got upset at me because I’ve not been writing.

When you’re in a funk, you can’t write.  You can’t do anything but sit and spin your wheels which just causes more frustration over how you’re not going anywhere in your life.

I can end up waiting up to six months for someone to do something about my ERO/EEOC claim because that’s the law.  Even though I now can’t work doing the job I had because some idiot decided he wanted to make the rules instead of following the law, I have to wait for the legal process to take its course.

I’ve applied for so many jobs in the local area I’ve completely lost count.  And have I heard anything back?  Nope.  Or when I go somewhere thinking I might like to apply and I can already see in their faces the fact that they’re not thrilled over my 86-pound constant companion, I don’t bother.  Besides, I’d rather have her with me everyday than the crap that can happen at most places.

Got news about a family member who’s going through some tough times.  I want to be able to help and give support but I also don’t want to be intrusive.  I remember when I was in a somewhat similar situation and the last thing I wanted was pity from anyone and I usually got a lot of unsolicited advice that didn’t do me much good.  I don’t want to be one of those kinds of people.

One of my friends was to get married tomorrow and her fiancé left her today.  She and her young daughter who had opened their home and lives to him and his excuse is because his biological son is afraid of having to make new friends when he moves.  What a jerk.

I’m trying to help celebrate Youngest Son’s upcoming birthday.  I went to the movies with Husband, Youngest Son, and four of his friends.  They had a great time and I was really glad they could go.  I just feel like I wish we could have done more.

Husband and Youngest Son are currently in the basement doing laundry and playing a computer game.  I sincerely appreciate that they’re doing the laundry because that means I don’t have to do it and I don’t have to go outside to get to the basement.  It’s not a “finished” basement like many people have.  It has a floor and walls, but there’s no way to access it from inside the house.  And with the heat the way it is, I’m not in the mood to go outside much.

And, yes, Depressive is trying to get me to post but I’m so sick and tired of being sick and tired that it’s just been easier to do nothing and sleep instead of trying to come up with something to write and crying while I feel awful.

Maybe I’ll get back on a schedule.  Maybe I’ll stop writing completely.  I’ve already told my therapist that I’m not writing anymore at the moment about my past because I’m getting to big areas that I don’t really remember.  There are a lot of blank spaces in my memory — some last days, some last years — and whatever is hidden inside them I do not want to bring back to the surface.  It wouldn’t be healing; it would be reopening the wounds that my brain has found a way to deal with that doesn’t cause me any additional damage.  I remember trying to deal with them and it didn’t work then.  Time does not heal all wounds.

No, I didn’t post yesterday. What’s it to ya’?

This is driving me crazy!!  Here it is summertime and I don’t have squat to post because my life seems to be in a perpetual holding pattern because of my ERO/EEOC case and the fact that nothing interesting has happened recently.  I’m also not in the mood to continue my biography at the moment because we’re getting to the parts that were really difficult to live through back then.  I’m not sure I want to bring them up to the surface again now.

I am finding it very interesting looking at the map that shows from where people who read my blog are.  The other day Australia took the lead.  So far today the Irish have a substantial lead over the Americans.  And what people are reading is even funnier.  My reviews of Combat Cash and Mythbusters seem to be the favorites.  Someone clicks on them almost every day.

So, yeah, I’m behind in my posting.  But when it’s hot and sticky outside and it makes the house all hot and sticky, the last thing I want to do is sit in front of the computer in the hottest room of my house and type some drivel that people may or may not read.  I’ve also got an appointment with my therapist today, so who knows what goofy crap will come up that will make for decent topics?

This is a post

See it?  Okay.  I’m done.  Daily post completed.

No….you’re not getting more.  Well, not any more today, that is.  Had a fairly good to fairly crappy day and just don’t want to fiddle with this right now.

Go on.  Clear off!  Go do something constructive for a change….

Bloaty ate too much pizza….

I know.  It’s my own fault.  Was planning to cook dinner for the family tonight.  But, a tempting email came through the inbox and I just couldn’t help myself.

Domino’s Pizza offering 50% off any pizza if you order online now through Sunday night.

I remember when Domino’s Pizza was called the “Disk of Death” and other not-too-polite names.  Domino’s was awful.  Didn’t matter which one you ordered from — you were guaranteed a round thing resembling a crust with something on the top that you hoped was what you actually ordered, covered in a slime of cheese and floating on what grease hadn’t already soaked through the bottom of the box.

Now, however, they’ve gotten a lot better.  And healthier, if you can consider pizza healthy.

So, each of us decided to order a pizza since they were so cheap.  Youngest Son got a pepperoni abomination of some sort that could clog your arteries just by looking at the amount of meat and grease on it.  Husband made up a pizza he would like to have because nothing on the menu ever totally agrees with his middle-age tummy anymore.  And I ordered a Hawaiian pizza because I love ham and pineapple together.  We each made sure to get the super-thin crust pizzas so we wouldn’t feel nauseated for the next few days.  And by each ordering to our own tastes, we could ensure that we got what we wanted.  We each got enough of what we wanted and if there was any leftover it could be stored in the refrigerator for lunch tomorrow.

Yeah….right….

Only Youngest Son, who normally scarfs down anything not nailed to the table, didn’t finish his.  Husband and I both ate ourselves silly and soon realized we had none left for tomorrow.  It was good, though.  We both were very pleased with our selections and they were well-made and tasted excellent.

It’s just now, about five hours after eating it that the bloaty-ness sinks in….or out….or whatever it does.  It’s hot and humid outside and having not listened to my brain when it was trying to tell me that my stomach might actually have a message for me other than “Aren’t you going to eat the rest of that?” is the result I’m suffering now.  I don’t want to see another pizza for a while.  I don’t even want to look at the boxes ours came in tonight.  They’re like little talismans of shame to remind us of our sins.

I think I’ll have some milk and go to bed.  Maybe I’ll wake up and it’s all a bad dream.  Or, more likely, I’ll have pizza-dreams all night (the really weird ones about which every therapist hopes to sell a best-selling book) and wake up even hungrier than usual in the morning.

Stupid flippin’ migraines in my stupid flippin’ head again

Gah!!!  This is driving me crazy!!!  But, I’m still posting tonight!!!

I know there’s nothing wrong ’cause I just had an MRI a little over a month ago and just the brain is up there like it’s supposed to be.  But all weekend I’ve been having migraines & thought I’d finally kicked it.

Nope.  Tonight just after I watched a show I wanted to see on television the stupid headache came right back.

Another night with ice on my head.  And a washcloth on my eyes ’cause they’re hurting too.  Maybe I should just ask the rest of the body to start adding their aches and pains to the pile tonight.  Get it all over with in one shot.

Missed yesterday

Yes, the streak has been broken.  I did not post anything yesterday.  My head decided that a migraine would be much more fun than being able to spend time with my family and kept me in bed all day.  Since I don’t type well (or coherently) when my head is screaming at me, I took the day to rest.

I’m not proud or anything like that.  Actually, it’s been driving me crazy that I didn’t post.  But, I decided to do something for myself and try to get better.

Would have worked, too, if a large weather front hadn’t moved into our area and dumped a big storm on us.  My poor American flag that hangs on the front of the house was targeted by the wild winds and shoved to the ground before I could get to it.  Fortunately, Youngest Son went out during a lull in the wind and rain and retrieved it for me.  Now I’ve gotta fix (or replace) the bracket on the front of the house.  And my poor flowers that I planted earlier this spring but could never remember what they were until they bloomed and I sent pictures to friends have been beaten-down as well.  No major storm damages here.  Not even minor storm damages here.  But we’ll just say that flags, flowers, shovels, rakes, and other items left in the yard were fair game for the wind and bits of hail.

And my headache is back again.  I saw a thing today that said the “migraine rating” was going to be low.  Not sure how they figure that but it’s obviously not getting feeds from my head.  Time for more ice and a nice nap (as if I need another). *sigh*

Almost missed today

Got up at 5 a.m. to take my medication as usual.  Felt really sleepy and did doze for a few moments on the loveseat.  Made the decision to go back to bed after Husband and Youngest Son had gotten up and started preparing to go out to yard sales and a big storage unit auction.

Slept until noon.  Not incredibly unusual when I’m not feeling well and didn’t go to bed on time the night before.  Stayed up late with Husband watching silly movies and talking.  It was worth it.

Ate a little lunch and was convinced by Husband and Youngest Son to go back to bed because I was feeling tired.  Did so and said I’d sleep for about an hour.

It’s now 6:30 p.m. and I’m finally awake.  What the hell happened to me?  I don’t feel outrageously ill.  A little warm but that could just be my own personal global warming at work, too.

Glad I woke myself up ’cause the other two would have let me keep sleeping.  I know they mean well but if I sleep too much in the daytime I can’t sleep during the night and then I get my days and nights mixed up, just like a baby can.  And it happens too easily because of my medication, too.  I don’t need that right now.

So, I hope nothing really earth-shattering happened today because I completely missed it.  And my brain and eyes are already telling me I should be back in bed.

*Yawn*  Maybe tomorrow’s post will be worth reading….

Too frazzled to write

Been busy all day with working on my ERO case, taking Celeste to the vet, dealing with family things….  Just too tired to try to be witty or find a topic worth writing.

On the plus side, the Civic Center across from my house is showing Cars 2 on the outside of the building.  Free movie for me!

This post intentionally left blank

Well….not totally blank.  Depressive here!  Still writing; still in charge.  More issues on the table today, so I’m not really ready for myself to feel any different.  Not that I have a choice.  But, I don’t want to address things going on here right now, so I’m just going to “skip” today. Keeping my promise of posting but just nothing worth reading.

Greetings from Depressive

Hi.  I’ve been around for quite a while but haven’t had the opportunity to actually post anything here myself.  I’ve been trying to keep me from being noticed but when things get really hectic or stressful or disappointing, then I just can’t stop from showing up to practically ruin it all.

Oh dear.  I see you looking at what I’m writing and you’ve got that weird look on your face.  It’s the same look that my family gives me when they can’t figure out what’s going on or when they think I’m just trying to hide something.  Usually I am trying to hide something — myself.  I don’t like me being here and I don’t like it when I come around just out of the blue.

I guess I should explain.  If you’re a long-time follower of this blog, you already know that I have bi-polar disorder (along with some other absolutely fascinating issues that can cause havoc at any moment).  Now, for those who don’t understand bi-polar disorder, it was originally called manic-depressive disorder.  This is when your brain — or, rather, my brain — decides that it wants to do something different for a while without my consent.  I can either become extraordinarily hyperactive, hyper-vigilant, hyper-emotional.  Just pick a “hyper” and it’s on the list.  This is my manic phase.  This is when Manic appears and keeps me from sleeping for long periods of time (days) or has me obsessing over certain things that need to be done and I can’t stop doing them or I end up listening to the rest of the voices up in my head arguing because they’ve decided that since adrenaline, their favorite drink, is on-tap that they’re going to join in the fun.

Manic and I get along well at times but we do have problems when Manic gets OCD a little over-excited instead of its usual state.  Then I can be in big trouble.

But today, I’m here.  Well, I am always here but the specific “I” that is writing here is Depressive.  I am the one that can take any happy moment from extremely ecstatic to morbidly horrifying in seconds.  I have the ability to just wander up while I’m hearing good news and start whispering all the things that are either untrue (whether they are or not) about it or about how everything from that moment on will go horribly wrong.  And I don’t shut-up easily, either.  I’ve been around for ages and I’ve learned all of my defense mechanisms against me.  Even the medications are having problems with me now.

My favorite one was when I was ordered to a psychology group for manic-depressive people and the class leaders said, “If you just think that you’re happy, you’ll be happy.”  They repeated that a lot.  I raised my hand and asked them how that could be possible especially when I was incredibly suicidal?  Was I supposed to be happy about being suicidal or was I supposed to picture rainbows and kittens and cotton candy and hope that the suicidal bit would pass?

They kicked me out of the class.  Seriously.

For a while I’ve been puttering around here reading what’s being written and critiquing things.  It’s one of the things I do.  I also keep bad things at the forefront of my mind.  The whole ERO issue, for example.  Today I got my paperwork that the informal stage is over and I can now file for a formal hearing.  However, I keep reminding myself that I (1) only have 14 more days left to do that, (2) that I have no idea how the whole process works, (3) that I could really use a good attorney to help me, (4) that I’ve been referred to a really good attorney who wants to help me, but (5) the attorney costs $300 per hour that I don’t have and that leaves me sitting and staring at the paperwork and going back to #1.  And then I start it all over again.  See how much fun I am?

I’ve seen celebrities who have bi-polar talk about their different extremes with cute little names for them.  I don’t do that.  I am a part of me that is the whole me and nothing but the me.  Remember, even the voices are mine.  There are just too many of them at times to not give them their own grouping.

Well, that’s enough about me for now.  I have a prior engagement (I think) with PTSD.  We hang out together a lot.  Of course, I’m glad that I have Celeste who helps me keep myself from overly freaking-out when I get this way.  I’ll probably be around for quite a while longer because there’s so much going on that I have to get involved with and I’ve not seen my therapist for almost three weeks so the environment is just how I like it.  Moody, sad, stressed, and down.

And thanks in advance to anyone who types anything positive about what I’ve written about myself.  But I’m going to be completely honest with you — it’s not going to matter for a while.  When I’m here and this far out in front of myself, it takes a lot longer to get me back with the rest of the crowd.  And I don’t mean to be snappy or make anyone think I’m ignoring them.  I just enjoy screwing with my emotions enough so that I don’t want to do anything.  Well, sleep is always fun.  But I only do that when I don’t need to be doing it.  Like when the medication makes me do it.  Or if there’s a ton of things I need to get done and I fall-over on the couch or the bed and doze for, oh, say, three or four hours.  Tonight I’m going to try to make myself get some sleep because I’m really tired just from being me today.  It won’t work the way I want it to, but I’ll still try.

And….*sigh*….Husband and Youngest Son keep coming in to check and see what I’m doing (occasionally led by Celeste who knows something’s wrong).  It irritates me because while I appreciate their worry about me very, very much I also don’t like it because they have their own things to worry about and I don’t need to be getting in the way.  Plus I don’t like people trying to read over my shoulder when I’m writing or reading something out-loud.  And that’s not “Depressive” saying that — that’s just me.  So I’ll go for now, but we’ll meet again.  Don’t know where; don’t know when.

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